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1394 d901 500

norcumi:

clarawebbwillcutoffyourhead:

…“But if that’s true, they should be extra double going to yoga classes. Why is the less violent gender the one learning all the emotional self regulation?
Because women are expected to regulate the emotions of men as well as themselves. They have to sharpen their emotional regulation skillz because they’ll be regulating for two even when they’re not pregnant. This has been a thing that’s starting to get noticed in feminist circles; the concept of unpaid emotional labor that women are expected to supply. This takes many forms (and I’ve written about this before) and at its most benign looks like listening, support and empathy. However, as it becomes more noxious, women are expected to read the emotions men and proactively protect them from their own negative emotions.
In my personal life, I remember a man telling me that women should reject men’s sexual advances in a way that won’t hurt the man’s feelings. And, that sounds reasonable on first glance. However, unfortunately, honest communication of the feelings “I am not sexually attracted to you” is considered hurtful to most men. So, women are forced to not communicate their honest feelings in order to protect the man from feeling anything bad.
For me, this need to protect men from the truth of my reality if it will hurt them has extended so deeply that I have laughed off sexual assault so that I would not hurt the feelings of the man who assaulted me. At great personal cost, I should add. A few years after that, I asked someone out, and was rejected by them and that experience split me wide open. Yes, being rejected was painful, but it was nothing — nothing — compared to the pain I absorbed trying to save men from the pain of rejection. Being rejected by someone I had a crush on led to my being sad for a few months. My absorbing sexual harassment from men so they wouldn’t have to face rejection led to years of flashbacks, depression, and an inability to work in my chosen profession.

Instead of learning how to take a rejection gracefully, men will claim women should “let them down easy.” It comes right down to that Margaret Atwood quote “Men are afraid that women will laugh at them. Women are afraid that men will kill them.” Men are so terrified of being laughed at, rejected or absorbing indignity in any way that they demand women risk physical violence so they don’t have to face the pain of rejection.
This is an unfair trade, and one that women only make because historically men have had power over us. If you need to rely on a male income for your livelihood, you have to make sure your presence improves the lived experience of your husband. Otherwise, he might kick you to the curb and you’d be fucked. Even now, with a continued disparity in earning potential, women will often manage male emotions so that a woman can be assured of material support by providing emotional value to her partner. Often, this goes beyond the conscious recognition of the men who receive it.
I remember one of my male friends was a complete wreck during his divorce. He relied on me so much emotionally after he lost the support of his wife (wanting to talk with me, wanting to cuddle with me, etc.) that I completely started to break down. I had to set some hard limits (like, not seeing him for a week) that didn’t go over very well. Our friendship was severely strained until he started seeing a dominatrix whose demands included health conscious things like getting him to quit smoking and going gluten free. What I see now, in retrospect, is that this dominatrix did a bunch of the emotional management he had received from his wife, and that I was not willing to provide. Ultimately, my friend got a new girlfriend (who he’s now married to) and stopped seeing his dom.”

https://medium.com/@emmalindsay/men-dump-their-anger-into-women-d5b641fa37bc

“So many men I know are unable to live a happy life when they don’t have a woman who stops them from feeling the negative feelings that accompany their poor life decisions. It’s notable that they often do not stop making these poor life decisions.“

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